On a previous episode of VH1’s “Basketball Wives”, Evelyn Lodaza and fiancé, Chad Ochocinco were having a romantic candlelight dinner on the beach, when the subject of sketchy pasts came up. Evelyn was concerned (rightfully so) that Chad would read the blogs and internet nastiness about her history of lovers then possibly change his perception of her. He so lovingly replied that what she did when she was single was her right and that he had no judgment about whoever she slept with prior to their relationship.
I thought that Chad was completely on point. He seemed to have great understand about life, letting go and living in the present. Although I get the greatness of acceptance, I certainly do also get that people in general are not so kind, forgiving, or compassionate. So I asked a few of my male friends what that was all about and this is what I learned.
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Men do not judge the past sexual history of women nearly as harshly as other women do.
It seems that women are more concerned with who and/or how many sexual partners other women have had than men are. While a man doesn’t necessarily want his wife to have slept with the entire football team, he is more willing to overlook her sexual prowess prior to him as long as it didn’t involve his best bud or a family member.
A man gets with the woman who makes him feel good overall.
If it is his time, if he has somehow opened the mental possibility of settling down then he wants to be with the woman who makes him feel good in every area of his life. Her having a “past” doesn’t factor into his feeling electrified, treasured and alive. If she has connected with him in a way that makes him feel totally free and at ease, then any of her added slut skills are only a plus.
Women who were once a little slutty have a greater sense of self and how to handle a man.
Men find that some women who have carried themselves more loosely in younger years have a greater sense of self-confidence, self-worth and are not so wrapped up in neediness from her man. He likes the idea that she can stand alone and is not defined by a companion. Men also believe that her previous slutty ways have better taught her how to interact with men, making her not so controlling and domineering.
My mother always taught me to “keep a penny between my knees”, meaning not to give up the goodies if I ever wanted to get married. While I think there was a great deal of merit to what she taught me, I also think that much has changed over the years.
If there is one thing that I have learned about watching these men wife-up “sluts”, it’s; who am I to judge? What women or men do in single life is really their business and other people waste too much time (that could be spent creating, enjoying and living your own lives) sitting in judgment of others. Everyone is entitled to experience their own life as they see fit and there is nothing more important than the present moment.
by Krystal Xavier